Well folks, put your pom-poms away. It ain't happening any time soon.
I've really been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am to have Matt. I have someone that I really love and who really loves me. This infertility thing frustrates me because I feel like I've been spending the past year trying to get pregnant and it puts this cloud over everything else and I don't want the cloud. There always seems to be something else, if I just have this then I'll be happy. And I am happy but there's that one more thing that I can't have. If I get pregnant and have a baby will there be a new thing, what's the next thing? Will I finally be able to just exhale and enjoy my life. I want to enjoy my life now and I wish I could explain how the cycle of fertility makes that so difficult. In the day to day I'm happy and grateful but the big picture there's only the current cycle and this long chain of cycles in my wake.
I'm on my period - god hates me, this feels like death (depression)
I'm one week from ovulation - I can do this! This can really happen! (amazing joyful optimism)
I'm ovulating - Did we do it enough, do IUI on the right day, etc (total questioning doing the right thing)
I'm in the 2 week wait - what the heck is making this time go so freaking slow, should I exercise more, or less, is gardening okay, oh god I touched dirt, kitty litter, sushi, tuna fish, peanut butter, I have a headache and need aspirin, but if I do I'm killing my baby!!!!!! (eggshells and obsession about everything I do)
Sneaking pregnancy tests - that's okay it's still early, that's okay it's still early, that's okay it's still early, that's okay it's still early (psycho)
I'm on my period - god hates me, this feels like death (depression)
Sooooo… We are on a break! That’s right! I told all my Fertility meds and Docs that I need my space. I’m sure they will truly miss me while I’m gone but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do! For the next three months I will be solely dedicated to getting back into my skinny jeans! Since getting off Birth Control a little over a year ago I have gained almost 30 lbs!!!! Holy Cow fat girl! I can’t fit into any of my clothes and there is no way I will even think about going near a swimsuit! So wish me luck in my new journey to lose the cub!
2 comments:
Oh Heather. That cycle sounds awful...I am so sorry. I hope you have a wonderful non stressful break. And as for swimsuits...I am with ya girl!
Heather, I can honestly say, I COMPLETELY understand!! I went through that same thing every month for over two years! I feel like we are living the same experiences in different time frames. You couldn't have put it any better. It is the hardest thing any person could ever go through, and you feel like you are going it alone...even though we have the most loving and supportive husbands. Like you are bearing your own cross. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep calling me...I love our talks! LOVE YOU!!
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