Those are the words we heard form the sono technician just seconds before he told us that he could not find a heart beat in either of the babies. We where at our 10 ½ week visit and although we had not made it to the “safe” 12 weeks I had not even imagined that something could be wrong. I had not symptoms at all so it came as a total shock to both of us. At fist I was in denial and had him check over and over again and I kept asking “are you sure? Are you 100% sure? Could there be something wrong with the machine?” Then the doctor came in and reality set in. It was the absolute worst moment of our lives. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t move. Matt just held me and kept telling me it has to be God’s plan. So we spent the rest of the day trying to pull ourselves together and call all our family and friends to tell them the news. The next day I had a D&C scheduled which went fine at first but a few days later I had some complications that landed me back in the hospital. I have physically healed and every day I am getting better emotionally. I really want to thank all of our friends and family who have supported us through this time and thank you so much for all the wonderful cards and thoughts. They have meant so much to us! We are going to try again soon but right now we are not sure just when, but it does mean the world to us to know how much support we have when we do. Although our two little angles where only with us for a short time we will never forget them.
To our babies in heaven:
There hasn’t been one single day that we haven’t thought about you! Every baby that I see I think of you. You may not know this, but you are a miracle. Your Daddy and I prayed for a miracle to touch our life, and we got two of you. The very best miracle that we could have ever asked for! From the moment that I knew I was pregnant with you I became the proudest mother alive! You were a dream that I had, had for many years that came true. You made me a mother, but most of all you made us parents. The day that we got to see your tiny hearts beating on that screen, I think that was the day that love truly touched our hearts. When we first saw you, you were so tiny but the most perfect thing that we had ever seen in our entire life’s. The day that you left this earth it seemed like my heart and soul was ripped from my body. Everything hurt, everything ached and I thought that life was over. We would never get to hear your first cry, or even see the smile that I am sure would have looked just like your daddy’s. We would never get to hold you in our arms. We would never get to rock you to sleep. There would be so many things that we would never get to experience, so many things that were taken away. You were given a life, but it was taken away so soon. We know you are in heaven. A place were there is hope and happiness with eternal life and no pain. That is all that we could ever ask for you. It brings peace to our hearts to know that is where you are. I know that we will be together again. Even though it will take great patients, I am looking forward to the day that we get to see you for the first time. It may take a lifetime, but we will never forget about you and we will always be your parents. We love you so very much, a love that only your parents could have for you. We love you more than words themselves.
Love forever and always,
Mommy and Daddy
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3 comments:
Heather,
I found your blog through Michelle's blog. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I had words to make it all better, something wise to makes your heart feel better. You and Matt will be great parents some day, I truly believe that it will happen for you both. You guys are definitely in my prayers.
Jennifer (Clinesmith) Medina
Oh Heather - we love you guys - this made me bawl... I've prayed for you all. We love you.
Heather and Jer
You are a beautiful person and your sweet boys are in a place where they can forever be alive and well. I know that you and Matt will one day get to do all of those things...hear their first cry and rock your babies to sleep...in time...you will! The good part is that now you have two angels in heaven that are there with your Dad now and he is holding them tight and they are all three watching over you now and forever! They love you both and I do too! There will come a day Hat, when there will be no more tears and no more suffering....you are so strong and every day you are one day closer to holding your babies. Here on earth and in heaven. I love you!
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